I have so many unique opportunities to stop and look around. Ironically, with all my travel and on-the-go demands in my life, there seems to also be those moments of waiting. For example, I rush to the airport to make a flight, only to sit and wait for boarding or wait through some unscheduled delay. Or driving the kids to their dance, baseball or basketball events/practices, only to sit and wait until it's finished. Or arrive to get my studio ready for a yoga practice, only to wait for people to arrive...
During these moments of waiting, I find I enjoy observing... I people watch. Sometimes I look at individuals and make up my own assumptions for how their lives must be... But mostly I observe the whole situation. People walking in different directions, random noises from announcements, to personal conversations to advertisements, to warning beeps and buzzes...all trying to blend with each other. And as my mind swirls and I start to feel deep in my gut the complete anxiety of all of it, I look around and wonder how everyone else just seamlessly goes about without, what seems like, no notice to all the different distractions.
This morning I had to take a cab to the airport and while the advertisements played in the back seat, the driver had the radio playing in the front seat. I tried to take in a good song from the Eagles, but was interrupted by the traffic and cab communications all fighting for the lead in this Show of noises.
I tried taking deep breaths, implementing all my yogic training. I even grabbed my personal headphones and played my own soothing music. But it didn't block out the other noises... And it occurred to me how strong and determined I am subconsciously to not miss a single thing.
I was literally fighting with my self to release me... Release me from the need to stay connected to everything and just let go. Some call this control issues... But the more I am accused of that crime, the more I conclude, it's not about having to be the one in control, but more like I don't want to MISS anything. And so what's my deal with being so afraid of missing something...? I don't know.
What I do know, is I have a pull that keeps me engaged, even when I work to let go. Like my soul refuses to let me detach. My conscious begs to be released and my subconscious stares right through that desire, teasing and taunting... Almost driving me crazy with the need to stay connected. If I didn't have the insight to see what I think is happening, I may actually lose my mind, but instead, I realize a unique and incredible strength to stay grounded in such chaos.
Constantly searching, constantly investigating and working to understand all of us drives me to keep going. There's something trying to be revealed....
Someone once told me I was connected to the universe in such a strong was that this is the reason I feel so deep... At the time I didn't believe in the energies of the universe or my supposed relationship with it. I believe in God and I believe in the journey He has for me.
Right now I can't figure it out. Sometimes this road, this path, this journey of mine is painful. There are many times I need to focus on my breath to calm my shaking insides...there are times I need to hear the voices of the people I love most to calm my scared heart. And then I find myself blessed to feel loved, grounded and special.
And in these moments, I remind myself how I'm never going to fully understand what my journey is as I'm walking it... But perhaps as things unfold, parts become more clear. And I pray that my soul, with my mind, body and heart, will allow me to let go and just Be. Just to release me and let me flow through this beautiful gift we call life.
And as I conclude in writing this... I stop and give thanks...having just realized during these brief minutes of writing, I have been released...and I'm right where I should be. Existing, living and making it.
I hope your finding your gratitude for what you need....